Self Love: It’s Complicated

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of self-love.  I’ve been studying in preparation for a 9-day Healing training with healer David Elliott and through this work and my own personal reflection, I’ve realized that self-love is key to our personal healing journeys.  When I look at my life from the perspective of self-love, I can fairly say that I did not love myself for a vast majority of my life.  In fact, I spent many years openly hating myself.  I disliked so many parts of me, that I couldn’t even imagine the idea of loving myself.  Jenn, too, has struggled with this concept. 

Many of us are deeply loving people.  We give of ourselves to those around us who we care about, we invest our love into our work, our children, our families and friends.  But when it comes to loving ourselves, many of us drop the ball.  Self-love is rooted in so many things about us – how we talk to ourselves, how we judge ourselves, how we take care of ourselves.  For many of us, accepting and loving ourselves for who we are is complicated and sometimes it feels impossible. 

One of the key concepts that David Elliott highlights in his book “Healing” is that in order to really connect with the Universe and to truly be happy, we need to have self-love.  “Love within you from the heart connects you to everything, everywhere.  Without this connection to love you will be lost, continually looking outside of yourself for love to fix you. 

When I think about who I have been in the past, I know that there is truth in David Elliott’s words.  I spent years mired in stubbornness and aggressiveness. I also smoked pot nightly for decades, constantly used television as a numbing technique and spent money stupidly – all because I was trying to avoid how lousy I felt in my own skin.  I also know that I sought out approval and love from others in the hopes that it would make me feel better about who I was [spoiler alert:  it didn’t].  It is only during the past few years as I focused my energy on personal and spiritual self-evolution that I have begun to come to a place where I can genuinely look myself in the mirror and say that I love myself.  I am 53 years old and only now can I say that.

So what can you do to cultivate self-love? 

You can start by recognizing that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.  If I’ve learned anything through my RIM journey, its that a vast majority of us struggle with self-love.  You are not alone. 

Then there are small steps you can take.  In her book “The High Five Habit,” Mel Robbins found inspiration on the day she (while standing rumpled and uncaffeinated in front of a mirror one morning) put her hand to the mirror and told her self “I see you and I love you.  Come on now, Mel. You’ve got this.”  Similarly, Jack Canfield has the “Mirror Exercise” in which you look into your own eyes in the mirror and similarly say positive things about yourself and acknowledge all of the good things you did today.  These exercises may sound silly, but they can have profound effects.  They can also be really, really hard.  Jenn has done both exercises and (particularly with the mirror exercise) experienced a lot of discomfort, but with repetition, they really helped her.  Other things to cultivate this self-love include (of course) taking care of your body through exercise, hydration, diet and sleep. 

Realizing that you need to do things for you is key to self-love.  As you continue to cultivate self-love through these little things, you will be able to move into the healing you need on a deeper level.  Whether through RIM, talk therapy or other healing modalities, investing in your own personal journey will lead you to self-love. 

Remember, there is nothing wrong with you.  You are not alone.